What ‘Eat Pray Love’ Means For Me

This is not a post about the iconic book that went on to be a movie that did the book no justice.

Ironically, while reading the book I envisioned Julia Roberts playing the role. When I found out she was starring in it that made me feel like I had something to do with it (LOL).

There are a small amount of similarities between my struggles and those of Elizabeth Gilbert’s, at the time. She wanted out of a marriage and lifestyle she was told to believe in and was necessary to her story in life. Instead, she opted out and called out to God, a foreign concept to her, back then. 

During her divorce, she rebounded with a youngin’ who she later broke up with, but he introduced her to spirituality after dealing with excessive anxiety and depression. So, as a successful author, she liquidated all of her assets and traveled the world to eat and learn Italian in Italy, pray at an ashram in India and ultimately love herself and find love in the process, in Bali.

If I had assets to liquidate, I would have done so five years ago and been a gypsy. Unfortunately, my story, fairly common, doesn’t permit me the security to travel the world for a year and “find myself”. I have to do so at home, in the midst of the same environment that made me sick. You may think that is unrealistic or impractical but it is very much a reality for myself and millions of other folks battling severe anxiety and depression.  

I may not be able to “Eat, Pray, Love” my way back to mental stability in different countries but I can very well do so, at home.

Every day is a struggle for me to eat and nourish myself because when you’re anxious and under a lot of stress it can take away your appetite. I have been mad at myself and causing even more stress, as a result, because I’ve lost weight. I’m already a skinny minnie– I don’t need help in that department. Most of the time, my first meal is after noon and that’s not good.

This time has caused me to see the need for more prayer and meditation but I also have to remind myself to do this, more often. There are times when I feel guilt because I’m known to only do so when times are very difficult, versus being grateful for the good times. Gratitude opens the door for so much more to come in. I’m limiting my prayers, thoughts and feelings of despair and going before Spirit with thankfulness and positivity although it’s extremely hard.

Then there’s the love thing. Self-love belongs to the individual and is the well we draw from when giving and receiving love in our relationships with others. If that well is depleted then your ability to see love anywhere is handicapped. The first person to lose out on that infinite treasure is yourself, regardless of who did what and when.

Every single day is a choice to fight the battle of loving myself. It is truly a battle that no one else will understand or recognize, because I don’t wear it externally. A lot of what I go through is never seen and met with shock by others when I express how shitty I feel on a daily basis. However, fighting to love doesn’t mean I’m constantly demeaning myself, either. I can still wash my tail and look good (I’m a Leo…c’mon) but the internal scrubbing is where it matters the most. The internal scrubbing is what hurts the most and where I’ll never let a person catch me slippin’ in public. But if you were to have a conversation with my bed, it would tell you the crying, sleepless nights there or on the floor.

This morning I made myself get up, take supplements and eat a meal. I’m not going to force-feed myself but something is better than nothing. I just have to consistently eat, pray, love and sit back and watch things change for the better. Most of these things are absolutely out of my control and this control freak is undergoing a massive un-doing

One Comment

  1. La Shaun phoenix Moore

    As always, your writing just resonates with me. I was completely touched by this post for so many very real reasons. “The internal scrubbing is what hurts the most and where I’ll never let a person catch me slippin’ in public.” You better preach. Praying for you…for me…for all of us as we fall deeply in love with ourselves.

    phoenix

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