The First Heart wasn’t expected. He came out of nowhere and I repeat- definitely was not expected. I was embarking on what was supposed to be the beginning of my hoe phase (although it was a late bloom) then he showed up. I was lining ’em up and dating like never before but he came along and changed my mind.
MUSIC CUE: “Nobody’s Supposed To Be Here” by Deborah Cox
That shift of fate- having a man so eager for marriage and children like me- was the first heart I surrendered for a promise. It didn’t matter that we lived a great life socially but the interpersonal had more murk than an oil spill. My mind felt comfortable in that lie but my heart and body couldn’t handle it anymore. That was a sacrifice I wasn’t willing to commit before God, family & friends, nor bring children into.
MUSIC CUE: “Almost Doesn’t Count” by Brandy
The Second Heart happened about a year and-a-half after the first. I gave myself time to go through every phase of heartbreak. I became more intent about what I needed, emotionally…and I manifested him. I bought a hematite stone ring and placed it on my ring finger, telling myself that it would only draw a man to me whose energy was healing. The same night I met Heart Number Two is the same night (and place) the ring broke. Split in two pieces. A spiritual adviser previously told me if you loose or break a stone, it’s job was finished. I shrugged it off, not knowing that Heart Number Two was buying drinks, walking me to the bathroom, waiting for me to come out of the bathroom, and spending the rest of the evening dancing and partying with me and my friends.
MUSIC CUE: “Full Moon” by Brandy
Heart Number Two was just a B.U.D.D.Y. but he was a good friend. He listened and communicated very well and knew how to foreplay throughout the day. As a sapiosexual, consistent mental stimulation via conversation or text messages ensures the kitty is ready for play in the evening. Number two embodied this trait- it was never forced and there were never moments of resistance. We were an easy flow- twin flames that kept each other warm and provided comfort. However, that caused more problems than a lil’ bit. I knew he was temporary and that neither of us was equipped to handle another relationship, but it flowed so naturally for the both of us that it ended up that way- without a title. It’s a sticky situation when you can recognize someone as your equal but have already acknowledged that you can’t claim or keep them. It makes you question yourself:
Is this unrequited love although our actions are loving notions within themselves? What kind of crazy shit is this? All I know is you and all you know is me and we wake up to these feelings everyday.
MUSIC CUE: “I Know You, I Live You” by Chaka Khan
My heart knew what it felt like to be broken but after Heart Number One, it didn’t ache for months on end. It doesn’t still come up at least twice a year and haunt me with a few more aches. Heart Number Two defined heartache for me. I told myself it was weak to be broken over it. What was there to mourn? Tuh. Tell that to my heart.
MUSIC CUE: “Tell It To My Heart” by Taylor Dayne
*Brief Intermission with DJ set-list full of Beyoncé, Rihanna & Sza songs*
Heart Number Three, I assumed, was the final curtain call. Before he came back around for about the third time (another 3) I had to lick a lot of wounds and take a lot of L’s. I paid my dues! Here lies the man who is going to pay me restitution for all of the loss I endured.
Honestly, I didn’t think of him as “the savior” but I did expect some good lovin’ to take place. And it did for that one
fucking moment of time that I actually got to see him the entire year. The entire nine months of the relationship. And every time I tried to warn him that he was allowing his pride to turn a good girl bad, he carried on with what he thought was more important instead of compromising.
MUSIC CUE: “Kiss It Better” by Rihanna.
There is nothing more important than being physically present with the one you love instead of mind fucking them into believing other things are more important. All I read was his fear was more important. His apprehension and personal issues that he probably won’t ever deal with, are more important. Cool. Another hit to the chest but the blow was a lot softer and my recovery was a lot faster. That means something special is on the horizon.
I’m tired of dancing for the affection, attention and validation of men. It’s time to make money moves. I’m all out of hearts anyway. I have to get my coinage up so I can afford another one.