A lot of people on my Facebook timeline talked about how 2018 was a terrible year for them. Terrible was the word I used to describe 2017- that was truly one of the worst years of my entire life. 2018 was a reprieve from the fuckery of the previous year. I thought I had a much bigger handle on my life, who I am and what I want. I finally had a chance to breathe and be somewhat secure in my skin and not worry about future outcomes, until after my birthday, when I made some life changes that went awry.
There’s something about turning 35 that tests that theory (at least it did in my case). The last quarter of this year called out to so many sporadic tests from every angle. I got into it with a family member and someone who I thought was my friend, then I was laid off from my job (but I saw that coming because I was paid to do absolutely nothing for 6 months). The icing on the cake was my newfound, unexpected relationship fading into the abyss, beyond my control, like everything else. My face started to break out and my weight fluctuated thanks to not being able to stomach food (anxiety starts in my gut).
By Christmas, Thanos fist got my ass and I was fading…
At first, I was lost and full of apprehension about the outcomes or my next turn because I felt like the rug was snatched from under me and set on fire. I couldn’t make out the lessons until I realized all of the problems that rose to the surface had absolutely nothing to do with me. However, the first thing I did was accuse myself of doing something wrong, like I typically do.
What a blessing it is now, to understand that as a highly sensitive person, I am always self-sacrificing and taking other people’s problems, bullshit, mental and physical issues as my own. I am also a sage spirit and highly intuitive individual, so I tend to be a sponge who absorbs energies and can sense things that most people don’t even notice. What’s even crazier is that at times I unconsciously adopt their bad energy and allow it to overtake my thoughts, and most of the time there is a physical manifestation upon reception.
Holding onto things is a serious problem for me. I’ve always been one to hold grudges, so it doesn’t shock me that my aura is way too inviting for other people’s negativity. It’s what I focus on the most. However, instead of drawing from my alchemist abilities to transform the negativity, I breed and harvest it, and that affects me in monumental ways that I take on as my own, versus identifying and attacking the foreign invader. I simply let my guard down because things in my life were “on the way to better”, but that wasn’t a smart move. I dropped the ball spiritually and now my guides are calling out to me to receive counsel. I’m embarking on a new level that is very enticing to new devils and I was totally unaware.
Everything that took place between the months of October through December of 2018 was a direct result of me not letting go. The Universe has enrolled me in
What if I told you everyone has free will, LiLi? Everyone has a mind of their own and makes decisions based upon what they felt was right or necessary for them and it had absolutely nothing to do with you, although you were caught in the crossfire? The pain just served as a reminder for you to see what does not serve you. One of The Four Agreements is to never take anything personally, but apparently, I need to revisit that chapter. It’s easier said than done when it’s folks who are close to you that we place unhealthy expectations on to do right by us all of the time which is impossible.
Word of advice: don’t allow the decisions, actions or feelings of others to make you feel like you did something wrong or it’s about you. There’s nothing wrong with you except the fact that you feel that something is wrong every single time something affects someone around you. They have placed unreasonable expectations on you and that’s something they have to work out on their own so you’re not stretched beyond an unreasonable capacity. They have a whole life outside of yours that has shaped the way they choose to see the world, just like you. Everything isn’t a direct result of your actions although they will try and pin it on you as an escape from their personal problems.
My father told me a long time ago that the best way for me to cope in this world is to learn how to deal with crazy people. I thought it was a joke until I questioned if everybody has problems, I must have them too? No…I’m adopting them out of empathy or a sense of responsibility to be “the bigger person”. That is my main source of anxiety and depression but this stops in 2019.
Sometimes being the bigger person means choosing your peace and sanity over someone else’s denial about their lack thereof.