IDK But…I’m Numb

Imagine having your favorite platter in front of you. You’re dressed in your finest attire at a dinner table with decor to your utmost liking. The ambiance of the restaurant is one you would rate as a five-star establishment and the servers go above and beyond to be pleasant and accommodating. The platter of your selection looks better than you’re accustomed to and the plating design is something out of a magazine. The aroma of the food dances around your nostrils and even makes the people sitting close by ask their server what you ordered. Your mouth is watering as the napkin is placed in your lap and the utensils are in your hand to gather your first bite. As soon as it hits your tongue you anticipate tasting the most savory and delectable dish you’ve ever had prepared for you in life but…you don’t taste anything. It’s not that the dish lacks seasoning or wasn’t cooked properly, it’s just that you literally cannot taste anything. It’s almost as if your tongue is impaired or your taste buds are shut down. You sit in disbelief because what you thought would be one of the best things you’ve ever consumed, you can’t enjoy.

 

That is the disappointment I am experiencing at this very moment. My life is completely out of my control and I don’t know if this is a crash course from the Universe on ‘How To Stop Being A Control Freak 101’ but I am in utter disappointment and on pause until I can get ahold of my footing. Nothing is grounded and although it scares me I feel liberated, in a weird way. I don’t know if this is to be enjoyed and courageously pursued or if I’m supposed to vehemently fight against it.

Everything in my life has been shaken up at the core of me and I don’t know what it all means, besides the fact that I can’t enjoy the things that I thought would bring me happiness. Maybe the lesson is to eliminate all of the things that I’m using as crutches for happiness so I don’t have a choice but to draw from my own reservoir. The only problem there is my reservoir is drier than the Sahara Desert. The lesson might be in learning how to make it rain in the desert and draw a river or a lake in my barren lands.

What I can tell you for sure is that I’ve never been tested like this ever in life. Jesus died at 35…and I feel like life as I know it is doing the same.

The cruelty of it all is falling in love and thinking that my story would be the token ‘happily ever after’. I forgot who I was.

People always look at me as being the strong one and I think I believed that at one point in time but life and circumstances have a way of challenging your beliefs. It’s a way to reinforce them and assure yourself that you’re on the right track, I suppose. I have no other explanation for what I’m experiencing than the previous words I just typed.

What I can tell you, for sure, is that I am at a standstill. A sit still. A ‘peace, be still’ of life and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to reverse or change this.

The only thing to do is look towards the hills from which cometh my help while praying the firey valleys don’t consume me.

More than anything, I know have nothing but FAITH to rely on and my words to write, recite and type. I have books to read that will help keep my mind at ease and add omens and blessings along the way. I have herbs & tea to consume when anxiety ails my stomach. I have music to assist me when the tears become too much.

I don’t need the presence of many people. Empty questions and shallow inquiries will only give way to reciting my fears, worries and pains over-and-over, which will only aid in manifesting them. Loving words, gestures and quality time is needed more than anything. Prayers are always welcomed.

Once I am freed from this fiery pit I know I won’t smell of smoke but my eyes will burn with a passion unlike before. Honestly…that might be the main lesson of it all, anyway.

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