I Feel Weird


Hey y’all! It’s been a long minute…I know. I think with all the retrogrades and life happening near the end of summer plus this God forsaken transition into the fall while battling seasonal depression has been the culprit.

Anywho, I’m in good spirits but I feel weird. So, this post is a brain fart. There will be some very random things shared here and although I’m not one to shy off a great moment of randomosity, allow me to reiterate that this shit is about to get weird. Judge ya mama.

First off- why do people eat stuffed bell peppers? Here’s my thing- it’s a big chewy pepper stuffed with meat and cheese or whatever the hell you choose to stuff it with. I made some last night and I’m a pretty good cook. I’ve made some in the past and wasn’t too fond of them or else last evening wouldn’t have been my second time in life making them again. With that being said- again, I ask why? If the pepper was supposed to at least be charred or deep-fried then it would make more sense. A pepper is not a noodle nor is it bread so I felt hella weird cutting something open and then gathering it back together again on my fork, praying it doesn’t miss my mouth. It’s a standing Sloppy Joe (another ‘why the hell do y’all like this’ food). Stuffed bell peppers are just dumb because the pepper is basically a bowl and the meat/ cheese/ rice/ whatever is eaten out of it? It would make more sense if you stuffed the bell pepper with soup or chili, IMO. I knew this going in but I still wasted time and resources doing it. Ah, GroupThink strikes again!

I bought some gluten-free cookies a couple days ago and they taste like depression. Since I bought two different varieties for $4 a bag, I want to get my monies worth, so I’m dippin that depression in almond milk and praying I get the chewy sweetness I’d get with a regular vanilla creme or lemon burst cookie.

I’ve been eating my feelings lately, but I’m trying to eat the healthier ones. This sucks, BTW. I don’t think any of this energy belongs to me, though. My life has been fairly great as of late (for those who care).

I have a love life again (I know, right)?! I won’t jinx it just yet by writing about it because the last guy I was “in love” with I wrote about and he wasn’t even worthy of that honor, hence the quotations around “in love”. I’ve never given or received love like this on any level in my life but it’s still new and just like a newborn baby, I’m keeping this in the house and on the tit (that was a metaphor you freaks). I’m keeping him close to my heart and I really don’t care to blast anything about the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in public just yet. I’m being selfish, for ONCE, and for the right reasons. Man…that was more than I anticipated sharing…see what y’all DID?!

Back to this weird energy. Yesterday literally felt like 3 days wrapped into one. Within the past two weeks, this weird feeling has not subsided.

I had a show last Friday and the couple weeks leading up to it were hella unsavory. The day of the show, thee most peculiar thing happened: I wasn’t nervous. Usually I don’t eat or speak much because I’m super focused on the task of the night, which is to deliver a stellar performance. Man…I bullshitted all day long like I was going to sing karaoke with some friends later. The Universe made sure that my mind was on everything else besides my nerves. During the performance I glided through it with grace and didn’t allow my nerves to rush me through it. I actually lived in the moment and felt euphoric and victorious afterwards. I didn’t care about the praise from anyone else but MYSELF when it was all said and done because I never allow myself that luxury. I’m nitpicking at what I did or beating myself up about what I didn’t do. This time was totally different so this is my moment of GRATITUDE for the glow up.

As you can see there is no structure to this post or my thoughts. That’s the gist of how life has been for me. It’s been a toss-up and a crap shoot and I’ve been experiencing feelings beyond myself. Although I’m very present and living my life, a part of me feels like I’m watching myself act it out. I’m very much participating but in third person, if that makes sense (I know it doesn’t so screw you).

Keep me in your prayers and well wishes for a new job. Nothing is wrong with my current job I’m just hella bored all day and I get paid once a month and THAT SHIT is for the birds. Near the third week of the month I feel like one too. A scavenger bird searching for scraps to keep going. The way my energy is set up, I’m only good to struggle for a max of two weeks before my ego is hurt because I’m making wish lists of things to do, places to eat or necessities to buy at the END OF THE MONTH. Eff this forever. It’s bad enough I have to be an adult but I can’t budget on this level. Judge ya MAMMY, IDC!

Thank you for your prayers! 🙂

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