Initially, the decision to be celibate for a year didn’t happen out of will. It happened because I decided to be faithful in a long-distant relationship. I’m not saying that I would not have been faithful but it was the first time I decided to do so and wanted to test my own will. It was actually pathetic, in my opinion, because I had only seen him one time during our 9 month relationship last year, which meant that technically I was halfway there, so it made it easier to continue.
Unfortunately, coming out a relationship that I thought was destined to evolve into marriage and possibly a pregnancy by now, also made it easier for me to shut myself completely down. I gave myself two weeks last October to be in a funk and mourn the loss. Once the two weeks were up I felt like a completely different woman. Then after my last conversation with my ex in November, I realized I placed way too much energy into being with somebody and wanted to preserve said energy for myself.
I thought my body would fight against me. I thought I’d give in to the first person who showed me any form of attention out of desperation. I thought I’d be on the prowl and back to my usual self and negate everything I said in the last paragraph above. If I don’t know anything else about LiLi, I know that she knows how to bend her own rules for pleasure or fun. None of that happened AT ALL.
My inner world was completely shut down. The gears stopped revving up for male attention or affection (and before you ask, I wasn’t dipping in the lady pond either). I had completely shut down and it alarmed me. Don’t get me wrong, at the beginning of the year I forced a few dates to test myself again, but they only led to me being even more disgusted, disappointed and shut down. I knew that I had to fold completely into myself and cocoon my heart until she was ready.
She endured a lot of pain and misery. My brain still had a lot of unanswered questions (especially on the ‘how’ and ‘why’ my last relationship did not work out) and wanted to make sense of my life in the love department. Nevertheless, I received all my answers and then some. Life became lighter and I wasn’t feeling as rigid or cold. I was actually becoming optimistic again and knew that these stripes were going to be worth it when the right kind of love found me.
My year of celibacy taught me to be specific about my desires and not second-guess or downplay my worth to receive them. I’m hella specific and stand firm in manifesting everything I deserve (not want…deserve). I’ve been more creative and a lot more reflective. Learning to listen to yourself is not an easy task but within this time frame it became second nature. I’ve also learned that the protection my parents, grandparents and myself pray over my life comes in many different forms. Sometimes a ‘no’ is for a good reason, as disappointing as it may seem. Sometimes that car issue is to make sure your ass stays at home and you’re grateful the next day when you find out why. Also, it’s necessary to leave when you are triggered or say no when you know you will be. It doesn’t matter what you miss out on or who will be mad or disappointed because they won’t be there to pick up your pieces when you’re at home in shambles over a situation you could have avoided.
Ironically, I’ve never been obsessed with getting married. If that were the case I would have done so in my twenties (and been divorced by now, real talk). I would hate my first husband and be mad I had to stare at a kid who looked like him. I would be mad that I allowed myself to do what my parents did and have to put a kid through that. I’m sorry hypothetical child of mine, but your mama would have come to herself by her thirties so your teenage years would have been a lot sweeter.
I got off on a tangent but I said all that to say I don’t understand why I thought it would be easier in my thirties (LOL). However, while taking a step back from dating and ceasing to give a damn about one negro has cleared up a lot of unnecessary expectations and pressure I didn’t even know I placed on myself. Bucking against what is won’t magically manifest what is not.
For the people in the back: bucking against what is won’t magically manifest what is not. I’ve learned the art of alchemy and have transformed the pain into magic. And it’s a special form of magic that attracts everything I desire to me because I’ve let go of wanting anything.
I already have everything I need.