Earlier in the day I hit the group chat and requested for my girls to hit Belle Isle with me for our official-official last day of 80-degree weather. Unlike Michigan’s typical schedule, we’ve been graced with an Indian summer…that ends today.
While we were on the Isle, we caught the sunset and vibed to Solange songs while setting intentions for the end of the year. There was a discussion about Summer ’19 and it’s overwhelming amount of ‘what-the-fuck-ness’ but overall we decided to cheers to its end at a local bar with a toast.
On our walk back to our cars, one of my friends asked about the N’Namdi Center, located next door to the spot we just left and I replied that I always call it the N’Dambi, after a soul singer whom I hadn’t listened to in a long time. That was a moment in time that needed to happen because I was reminded of N’Dambi’s song, Hardly Wait that I almost forgot about until that very moment.
The intentions I’ve been setting for the past couple of weeks is to comfortably get over another failed relationship in my life, but this time was the hardest to let go of. And if I’m being honest… I have not fully let go and that is okay. I’m no doormat but oh baby was I reduced to a dusty rug within this last year dealing with the aches and pains of letting someone go. Apparently the universe found time to take my ass out back, beat the dust off of and throw me in the washing machine.
“I don’t know why I keep…fuckin witchu.”
Til this day I can’t explain the source of the fuel that drove my love for this man and made it the hardest and strongest experience of another soul. After the final break (there were multiple within a year) I felt isolated because it was extremely difficult articulating my feelings and emotions regarding the hold this individual still has on my heart. Trust me when I say that once I’m done with a nigga I am DONE done. Ask any ex in my past because I can’t- I no longer have their phone numbers. It wasn’t until this past weekend when a friend of mine was able to translate and articulate the very emotions I have been experiencing. There is hope.
If the first lyric out the gate didn’t drag me to “a place’…then the second verse made sure to continue the drag:
“You don’t celebrate me / oh, but I keep…fuckin’ witchu / You go out but never with me/ Still I…keep on fuckin’ with you / You’re always competin’ and I keep right on…fuckin witchu / And I’ve started resenting but I keep right on…fuckin’ witchu”
On my birthday I received a text message at 5:30pm. When I commented about that, I got an attitude in return. Then he changed the subject and asked me what I was doing. I got tired of texting and called him on my birthday but he didn’t answer the phone. I received an immediate text message saying he would call back in a couple of minutes. That was on a Saturday. I heard nothing from that man until Monday morning after I texted him about the blatant disregard and disrespect he was showing me. I’m not even giving life to the dead ass excuse he gave me after that. At that moment, I was completely fed up with no more fucks to give.
In a matter of almost 12 months, I was emotionally reduced from feeling like a cherished and wanted partner to a side chick, within my relationship. I’m not even going to get into the countless times I supported this man in serious personal matters…but all I got was a text message when my birthday was damn-near over. We started off hot like fire and then Winterfell like Game of Thrones (except our series ending was worse than theirs). And it was a SERIES, for sure- the back-and-forth became tiring. The running from things he failed to address and ghosting me for days at a time started uncovering triggers that I was completely unaware of. Yet and still…I loved (and still love) him without an ounce of explanation.
I can’t hardly wait…to be through with you/ hardly wait…still I’m fuckin’ witchu!
Thank God the pain transformed into apathy and I snapped out of self-infliction. Since this wasn’t my first break-up, I knew there was a rainbow on the other side of the storm. That was my Leo kicking in like “bitch, you know who THAFUCK you are- one resilient muhfugga!” However…I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that this one hit different!
Now, when I get up, I’m not comin’ back / Then you’ll realize I was the best you ever had / so in love with being in love/ and it’s the only thing I’m thinking of / when I get this monkey off of me / I bet one day I’m gon’ leave…
AND I LEFT! But just like some of our parents used to tell us after they wore our asses out with a belt, shoe, hand, whatever they could find when we did something terrible… “this hurts me more than it hurts you.” It truly hurt to break ties with a twin flame. A love that I didn’t see coming so I definitely didn’t see it going. Someone who shook the foundation of what I perceived love to be, only to expose me to depths I’ve never fathomed. I think I grew a third nostril because my nose was so damn wide open. Fuck a third eye-holla at me when you grow a third nostril. THEN I’ll be convinced anything coming out of your mouth is worth taking heed to.
Said I can’t wait to get up / but sometimes this is what love makes us do / Can’t wait, can’t wait, I can’t wait / I still love you…